Miss of the week: McDonald’s breakfast wrap

What?
McDonald’s breakfast wrap £2.49

Where?
Take a right.

The blame
A birthday request. Like a seven-year-old, my partner resorted to pester power in order to get his dream birthday breakfast. He’d seen it on a billboard and was sold by the fact it’s “everything you want in a wrap”.

The circumstances
Wednesday. 6am. No sooner have McDonald’s served up the last quarter pounder with cheese to the last late night desperado, with a quick change of shifts in come the new staff with new found enthusiasm to serve you more of the same sort of thing. But in a sort of breakfast way. The twist in this case, being a wrap.

The appearance
It’s packaged like a cross between an apple pie and extra large fries. You’re instructed to tear along the middle to create a handy holder for your wrap. A good idea because most people don’t take the time to think about the best way to eat McDonald’s, they just shove it in and regret the mayo stains on their jeans later.

Inside the holder, the wrap looks anaemic. Bite in and you’re faced with a laughing mouth full of chewed up, unidentifiable food items. Laughing, most likely at the fact that you actually believe your body is going to be able to digest it. Fool.

The experience
I went for the full fat experience and drove to McDonald’s (a ten minute walk from my house) at the crack of dawn in my pyjamas and Uggs looking a bit like a black Britney Spears. I hadn’t even washed my face. There was a queue when I got there.

You have to give McDonald’s credit for defining fast food, singlehandedly. It’s so fast the drive-thru becomes a blur of a script...

“Can I take your order please that’s two breakfast wraps next window please that’s £4.98 please thank you there you go thanks see ya.”

No sooner had I joined the queue was I clutching a paper bag whilst trying to steer out of the drive-thru. Then home and faced with flat pack meat, a battered hash brown, airplane egg, bacon flavoured rubber and melted yellow plastic coated in ketchup and protected by a tortilla wrap. Not that the food needed any protection. Everyone knows McDonald’s food doesn’t decompose. It’s supersized and superhuman.

As you can imagine, the taste was nothing short of worrying. Luckily the wrap doubled up as a napkin to spit the rest out into it, what with its absorbent qualities and everything. Again, worrying.

The consequences
I feel sick and bloated. I can still smell it in my flat, nine hours later. I’ve got two new spots on my face and a craving for apples. It’s a wrap.

Guilt factor rating
10/10

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