Sleuth’s I-Spy Book Of Modern Animals

SLEUTH was walking in Philips Park on Wednesday admiring the nature. Beautiful day, Etihad Stadium framing the view.

It may be on the verge of extinction from the UK. Some think this could be a good thing.

Suddenly he heard some squeaking and there, hiding in the grass, was the Feckless Chameleon, also known as, the Chameleon Tevez.

These creatures used to be very rare in Manchester but now with Global Wage Inflation (surely warming? Ed) this particular species has been spotted in recent years first to the west of the city and now in the Philips Park area.

The Tevez in common with all chameleons is good with camouflage. This one has the ability to change its colour to suit any environment that offers it large amounts of cash.

It also carries the distinctive ‘dummy’. This has evolved as a defence mechanism to stop an unbearable sound of whinging escaping from its mouth.

However when provoked by a sense of injustice or victimisation the dummy is spit out and then the usual cry of the Tevez can be heard.

This goes:

“Eeeet’s not fair.” (repeated four or five times) “I am paid only £285,000 a weeeeek and now peeeeople want me to worrrk for eet as weeeell - for as long as thirty meeeenutes too. Nobody else has to do theees. Eeeet’s not fair. Eeeet’s not fair.”

The sense of injustice and victimisation seems to arise from decisions the lizard made itself such as which country to live in and what colours to display. 

It is, according to some sources (its own), a lonely little animal. It has migrated thousands of miles away from its breeding grounds and its young. As a consequence the Tevez has never fully adapted to life in a colder climate, where other members of the species communicate differently, in English.

It may be on the verge of extinction from the UK. This could be a good thing.

As Professor Robert Mancity says, “Clearly this lizard has no place in Manchester and instead of adapting to the favourable conditions is poisoning the environment. Its days are surely numbered.”

Next week in Sleuth’s I-Spy Book of Modern Animals: The Kia Joorabchian, also known as the Spineless Common Leech.