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Sleuth 08/01/2010

Two new restaurants, a new jazz club and the thought of the week from Mancini and Ferguson plus lies to tell tourists

Published on January 7th 2010.


Sleuth 08/01/2010

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Mind your language: Sleuth asks Roberto Mancini and Sir Alex Ferguson for their weekly thought.

Part one: the winter weather

Roberto Mancini
“Mi mama she-a say to me, Roberto, in the snowy weather , always weara the scaaaaarf datta way you never getta caughta in the colda - not lika that Sparky fella.”

Sir Alex Ferguson
““I use ter laik the snow. Now I canna stand it. All that white reminds me of Leeeeds fuckin' United: it's nae guid.”


That Mancini scarf
The best picture we could find for the 'Mind your language' paragraph above of Roberto Mancini was when he was at Inter Milan. Look at the scarf, think of how he wears his City scarf. Sleuth thinks he has simple tactic for showing fans his loyality and their colours. Clever lad our Roberto.

Two surprise new restaurants for the city
Two restaurants are set to arrive in the city centre. One is on Church Street, in the Light Apartment block, where the Colisseum shopping arcade was, and will be called Bulb. The other is in the old Square Albert pub next to Tampopo in Albert Square and will be called Bla Bla. The food style in both is surprising. It will be Lithuanian with Indonesian elements and a Chilean twist. Oh no, sorry, Sleuth has misread that. They're both going to be...go on, guess...go on? Yep they're both going to be Italian. Let's hope they are as 'authentic' as they promise because the city is going to explode in a greasy mess of pesto and pasta if we're not careful.

Jazz goes home in new club
A good thing about the Bla Bla restaurant mentioned above is that the ground floor will be an Italian restaurant but downstairs will be the Bla Bla Jazz Club. Given there's bugger all in the way of live music in the area this is definitely a good thing. Sleuth also knows how desperate visitors to the city get for a venue providing music that isn't aimed at 21 year olds - and Band on the Wall can be a long walk. It's got a great location close to the convention areas and close to lots of hotels too. There's a happy echo of the past as well, in that the venue used to be the Kardomah in the fifties and had live music then, and is round the corner from the site of the Oasis Club, orginally a jazz club, which then became the main beat music venue featuring young bands such as the Hollies. The latter used to have all-night sessions, Bla Bla has applied for a 6am licence. What goes around....

Snow business becomes no business
Sleuth's biggest irony of the frozen week was Chill Factore, the indoor ski and winter sports centre close to the Trafford Centre. After Monday's heavy snowfalls it was closed on Tuesday - because of the snow.

School's catch 22 at minus 12
Serious one this. Sleuth has a friend who's a principal of a school in Manchester. She's very dedicated. She opened the school on Thursday but only half the pupils came in. All parents should have checked with the school or on the radio and brought their kids along. So the principal was left with a dilemma. To declare that all the absent pupils had an 'unauthorised absence' because of the notices sent out, or say they had an 'authorised absence' because of the weather. But if she did the former Oftsed would tear a strip off her during an inspection about attendance levels and the school may go into special measures: do the latter and those who had bothered to turn-up could easily claim that this was unfair and they might as well have taken the day off. More trouble. Given her dedication this was unnecessary pressure. Maybe the truth is that we don't need Ofsted, another burdensome branch of the targetocracy. Maybe we go back to trusting headteachers: there are other less costly, more sensible ways of measuring a school's merit aside from this bureaucratic set of middle-men and women. Then Sleuth's friend could have made the decision on commonsense grounds without that needless worry.

The beating of legal wings
Sleuth got this message from The Law Society. 'Don’t slip up on your snow-related personal injury claim says Law Society. Treacherous pavements at this time of year usually lead to more accidents - and more claims. The Law Society reminds consumers they can go straight to a specialist solicitor if they want advice on whether they should claim. Many solicitors will offer a free initial consultation and if you decide to pursue a claim may offer a no-win no-fee agreement.' Sleuth can hear the beating of wings: here come the vultures looking to screw local councils and the local taxpayer. Seems even vultures like snow.

Sleuth's most exciting press release of the week
Sleuth got a frantic looking email on Thursday with the header: 'Important Notice'. Sleuth frantically opened it. The first line read: 'Manchester. 7th January 2010. HSS Hire, the award-winning tool and equipment hire company, has released its 2010 Tool and Equipment Hire Guide'. Oh the sheer, unbridled joy.

Sleuth favourite business name of the week
A Confidential writer is looking into getting an interview with a Mancunian male escort from an escort agency - to see how it all works. The best name we've come across yet for an agency is 'Extra Pillow'. You can go for a meal with the lad or have him stay the whole night. Sleuth wonders which aspect of the service the title of the business refers to.

Sleuth's lies to tell tourists part one
Rats in Castlefield are twice as big as normal because they live off fast food washed down the Rochdale Canal from the Village and Piccadilly. All the donner kebabs they've eaten lead them to squeak in Pakistani accents.


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25 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

johnthebriefJanuary 7th 2010.

a french bistro would go down a treat... we haven't had one since the triads forced beaujolais out

OJanuary 7th 2010.

rat eating kebab + Pakistani accent = not very funny. Not offensive I dare say (or did I miss the offended ranter?), just like a really bad dad joke. p.s. give jazz a go, you might hear something you like.

John McrJanuary 7th 2010.

Best stop eating Kebabs then eh? would't want to develop a Pakistani accent....

AnonymousJanuary 7th 2010.

shhh the Pakistanis are Turks in disguise, and after the gay joke I don't think Sleuth is a Village regular.

GordoJanuary 7th 2010.

Oh my God, didn't notice this in the office yesterday. Two Italians? Blinking heck, just how stupid are the people putting money into these ventures? I fancy opening a french bistro like Benoit in Paris; I will make a bloody fortune. In the industry the Italians are called YAFI's. (Yet Another Fcuking Italian).

AnonymousJanuary 7th 2010.

Appalling racist comments in these rants ed. Please deal with it. Article was also provocative, re rats on Castlefield.

eugeneJanuary 7th 2010.

ANOTHER two Italian's to open in town? And who said creativity was dead?(Especially after the opening of Rosso and med-style Ego). Italian= boring. Yawn

OFSTED....Wot a Waste of timeJanuary 7th 2010.

Ref Ofsted : A couple of years ago when our son was in creche after a few months i was disappointed with the service/staffing levels and quality of food being served i discussed this with the owner who advised me things would change. they nevre did so i contacted Ofsted with regards their inspections as one hadn't been carried out for 4 yrs, even though they should be every 3 yrs, i was told it is a 3 yr cycle which made no sense until i pushed further then i was told that in a worse case scenario this nursery could have been the first 1 of the 3yr clcle and the last one of the next 3yr cycle. Effectively a child could go all the way through school life without the school being inspected. When i pushed ofsted they actually informed the nursery of not the day but the week they would be inspecting( as i knew a girl who worked for the nursery). i informed ofsted of this and then they agreed to reinspect the nursery but not until after my son had left. he started at 5 months old and left just before his 4th birthday as he stated school then. this nursery was charging circa £700 a month for insufficient staffing levels and packet foods ( high salt content!). If we could have afforded to take him out of this one we would have ( we both needed to work at the time !)

jJanuary 7th 2010.

Can you remove the rat joke please. It IS offensive and the fact that it is a joke doesn't excuse this.

DrakeJanuary 7th 2010.

While I agree with you Cubby, unfortunately its not Sleuth's fault. Many of the new academies and schools have 'Principals' rather than Head Teachers leading them. Blame ZaNu Labour and its fixation with americana.

Howie BowieJanuary 7th 2010.

He should have said McTucky's or whatever it's called. It's a lie isn't it. Therefore nothing makes sense does it? Because it's a lie. Hey Sleuth remember never to mention sexuality or ethnicity again even in a lie. Honestly. In fact I think some of the comments above are jazzist

ddaddison@btinternet.comJanuary 7th 2010.

Sleuth , the hospitality business! went for a pizza in Prestwich last night at 8 20pm The Manager said on arriva - We are closing at 9 , so you cant have a starter or essert! ow I am aregular at this pizza place , but it wasnt quite the welcome I was loking for. Bob , Kirsty youKnow who you are,have a word wi you otherwise repeat business might becoe a tad slow!!

CubbyJanuary 7th 2010.

Sleuth - please try and fight the increasing Americanisation of our language. In the UK we have Head Teachers; Principal is from the USA. It maybe pedantic but it's the principle of the thing!

lesleyJanuary 7th 2010.

Re Oasis club [ round the corner from Kardomah] on Lloyd St which you refer to in your article. It was a venue for "up and coming bands" like the Beatles and Rolling Stones in addition to the Hollies, who I saw there in the early sixties on several occasions. It was a great little venue and had lunch time sessions for [ I think] one shilling and sixpence. We saw Mersey bands there and so many good sixties bands. Round the corner was the old Twisted Wheel where we saw many blues singers - John Lee Hooker, Howlin Wolf , the Animals, Long John Baldry with the Hoochie Coochie men with Rod Stuart singing too. Manchester has always been a great city for new music and continues to be so. Long live Manchester !!!!

Karen HJanuary 7th 2010.

Good a jazz club. I love jazz. I love knowing it's there and never going. Mind you it will be grand to see some life back in the Square Albert.

SpecMeaJanuary 7th 2010.

Ofsted are a waste of time and a waste of money. Another form ticking set of pointlessness. You talk about vultures/solicitors here, what about Ofsted as vultures pecking away at good teachers.

AnonymousJanuary 7th 2010.

What's this business about Ofsted about. On Thursday there was a Police advisory in force about not travelling unless it was essential and not doubt council solicitors everywhere will be honing their defence to claims from people who ignore advice. Its at 'at their own risk.'

mark mJanuary 7th 2010.

I still think the best restaurant to ever have opened and shut it's doors in Manchester was Brasserie St Pierre. Awesome. Any chance of Gordo doing something like that? Well, the opening of anyhow.

Hungry AlwaysJanuary 7th 2010.

Isn't it a lie? Does there have to be a link?

JohnJanuary 7th 2010.

It's not the vulture like lawyers that are screwing the local taxpayers, it's the useless council who aren't doing the job that they are paid to do (by the local taxpayer). If they gritted roads and pavements properly then there would be very few accidents for the carrion eating briefs to swoop down on

CubbyJanuary 7th 2010.

Drake - really? How depressing. Down with this sort of thing! And yes the rat 'joke': while not actually offensive is so unfunny it actually seems like it is!

AnonymousJanuary 7th 2010.

don't get the link with Kebabs and Pakistan

J HartJanuary 7th 2010.

You're doing Samuel Johnson quotes in the 250 news thing. He once said: 'a cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.' I sort of feel the same about jazz. I agree about the Square Albert though.

NorthernGeezerJanuary 7th 2010.

I bet the next eyetie to open in town is called Ofsted........................and it has a fookin creche!!!!

AnonymousJanuary 20th 2010.

That rat. I like

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