Sleuth 12/08/2011

"Give us your camera, you twat," they said. Things looked bad.

"I couldn't believe that lads as good looking and slim as you were breaking into High and Mighty" our correspondent said.

Pause.

Laughter. 

Just for once, humour won out and they let him go.

Sleuth’s Name Of The Week

This is Greater Manchester Police’s Assistant Chief Constable. His name is Terry Sweeney. Some people may have heard of the 1970s cop series which took its name from Cockney rhyming slang, Sweeney Todd - Flying Squad. If only we'd had Jack Regan and George Carter when you need them. And Gene Hunt, but we can't think of any rhyming slang for him.

Sleuth Finds Central Library Stocks Porn

Sleuth was in the Central Library the other day when he came across this kiln filth. It's hot stuff....then it cools and hardens.

Sleuth’s Name Of The Week Part Two

Here’s a Manchester success story. Sale-based Michelle McKenna, known as Clippy, and her partner Paul Gorman, have developed a range of six apple conserves including Apple Pie, Apple and Figgy Diggy and Apple and Blueberry for their company Clippy’s Apples. Tesco are now stocking the jams in 800 stores. So why is McKenna known as Clippy? This apparently comes ‘from her love of hairclips’. Interesting idea. Sleuth loves the film Apocalypse Now and grows chives, maybe he'll start a company called Apocalypse Chives.

Sleuth’s misspelt job title of the week

Sleuth got an email from a chef who will remain nameless, extolling his virtues, qualifications and asking for a nice profile to be written up. In amongst the work record was his time as a commis chef at a posh London Hotel. Only he’d spelt it  ‘commie’ chef. Bolshevik bacon, Soviet sausages for breakfast comrades? Still Sleuth admires a man who makes an ideology of his job. A bit like Terry Deary.

Terry Deary And Horrible History Teachers  - Why Most Schools Should Be Closed Down

Schofield, the editor, was interviewing the avuncular Terry Deary, the author of the Horrible History books. His works are being adapted for a November production at the Opera House. Schofield thought he was in for a gentle, understated childrens' book writer sort of conversation. Instead he got a full-on blast of left-wing dialectic claiming all historians are dreadful twisters of facts.

Deary, who burns with anger over ‘unearned privilege’ and railed against the 'lazy middle-class', said at one point, “Most schools should be closed down because of the way they teach history. The history teachers in them are liars, lazy idiots who can’t be bothered making their own interpretation but just repeat lies told before.”

Crikey, thinks Sleuth wondering how many of the 'lazy middle-class' buy his books.

The full interview will be up on Confidential soon.

Sleuth And Britney Spears' Nipples

The new placement person at Manchester Confidential has had a variety of writing roles. A while ago she did a placement with Sports Newspapers based in Ancoats. Her strangest assignment? “We need eight paragraphs on Britney Spears’ nipples by noon.” She managed it. Sleuth still has no idea how.

Britney Spears hears placement person in Manchester is after her nipples