Sleuth 24/06/2011

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows. Follow Sleuth on twitter @Sleuth

New MEN magazine

Sleuth has learnt that the MEN is going to launch a print magazine for the city centre this September (or thereabouts). It'll be posted through city centre letterboxes and cover backyard issues and lifestyle stuff. There's some irony in this given that now the main MEN headquarters is located close to the moon on the far side of Failsworth. Still, good luck to them. Sleuth and Gordo have yet to be invited to write for the magazine but believe it will only be a matter of time. And the name? Magazine M anybody?

What on earth is this?Another National Week conserved

This week it's been National Jam Week. Or rather a fruit company - Clippy's Apples -who do jam have decided it should be national jam week to promote whatever they do. Sleuth loves the line in the press release stating the reason for the 'National Week', namely 'to raise awareness of jam'. Sleuth wonders if there is someone somewhere, saying, "Nope, sorry, I'm completely unaware of jam. What do you mean by this word - jam?" Sleuth's other favourite quote is: 'The precise origin of jam remains a matter of historical debate'. Not in the Confidential office. Although that nice Simon Schama might consider it for his next TV series.

Sleuth has existential moment with old man

Sleuth was on the Manchester Day viewing bus in Albert Square. The open-topped bus gave the media an elevated platform from which to take pictures (click here). At the back was an old man who watched the proceedings as fantastical creatures, musicians and kids paraded in front of him. He didn’t crack a smile once. He just stared. Angrily. At the end of the parade he said bitterly out loud: “So what was all that for?” Existential old men are the best, thought Sleuth as a stampede of City reputational managers and event organisers knocked him flying on their way to explaining what it had all been about.

A tiny cockerelCocksure in miniature

Sleuth has a friend in Manchester who joined a dating website. This was the most eye-opening response she got - in the original words. ‘Hello im single fit 100% geniune profesional guy just looking for some fun or relationship with a decent gal love to pamper and treat a gal, take her shopping and trips away, have to be honest, cant lie, sorry!! sporting a rather (small pecker) sorry!! well so ive been told lol :) hence my honesty broad mindedness and flexability , and happy to make up for it in other ways :) trips away, meals out, shopping etc, had an excelent arrrangement with the x gf , no offence meant !!’ Sometimes people leave Sleuth speechless – read the full story here. 

Sleuth’s out-of-office message of the week 

Sleuth received this email this week. It’s about vengeance.  A reader wrote: ‘At an old work, my boss used to play practical jokes he considered to be hilarious. He once put on my 'out of office' that I'd died and it was there all weekend.  This was my riposte, and was on his email for 2 days whilst he was out at meetings. His wife was particularly unimpressed when she'd sent an email and received this back:

"Thank you for your email. Unfortunately I am now out of the office indefinitely pending the results of some rather important medical tests. For the last couple of months, I have been suffering with some rather embarrassingly uncomfortable urinary issues which have begun to affect my work and I needed to get them addressed. Remember all those things you asked me to do which I never got round to? Well, that was probably because I was spinning around on the floor, crying, spraying jets of hot piss around the office like some sort of urine-based Catherine wheel. It's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest and I realize I needn't go into this much detail on an out office but it’s cathartic as much as it is informatively apologetic.  If your query is urgent, please contact the main reception, otherwise, I will respond upon my return. Kind regards and thank you for your understanding at this difficult time" 

InfideliteeSleuth’s rude t-shirt of the week

This was seen on Church Street. It’s a fashion statement of low character celebrating the ups and downs of celebrities in their private lives. It’s all about reaction time with these things. This shirt appeared about seventeen and half minutes after Lib Dem MP John Hemming grassed Giggs up in the House of Commons. Entrepreneurship is clearly thriving. 

Free McDonalds

Sleuth was feeling the munchies this week. He felt the need for something dirty. Grubby. Into his inbox dropped this offer. ‘McDonalds invites you to The Free Breakfast Day which will take place on 23 June, 2011, in every cafe of ours. Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese,  Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips, Premium Bacon Ranch Salad with Grilled Chicken, Apple Dippers. Print the invitation card. Every manager will gladly take your card and issue you a tasty dish of Free Day.’ You could immediately tell from the sign-off it was spam probably with a virus – ‘Thank you for your credence’ it read.  “What type of English is that? Which idiot would fall for it?” said Sleuth to the software engineer as the latter tried to fix his machine.  

Inglourious Purchase

Gordo went to Tesco the other day in Manchester. On the DVD rack he saw Inglorious B******s. There was a recommendation from Tarantino on the front. Gordo likes Tarantino movies so he bought it. Of course this turned out to not be Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds but another movie in subtitles directed by one Enzo G. Castellari with a similar name. You have to wonder whether the poor buyer who ordered the wrong twenty thousand copies still has his job.

Trams for the 'burb of all 'burbs

Sleuth welcomes the fact that the spur from Trafford Bar should open later this month, if final checks are successful. Sleuth will now find it easier to buy some bread from the Barbakan in Chorlton, gather some excruciating puns from Victor in there, and then scoot back to town to make ryebread toast for the Confidential masses. Most of whom won't want it. He will though. And that's all that matters. 

Camp fans

Bon Jovi fans started camping out three days before the rocker gig at Old Trafford this weekend.  ‘Living on a Camp Chair’ is the most popular song being sung amongst the plastic sheeting classes. Although given the weather forecast, 1986 album ‘Slippery when Wet’ would better fit the bill. 

Where is Tom this week?Where is Tom Bloxham MBE and his hat this week? Part 2.

Sleuth has often been asked, do you know Tom Bloxham, the Urban Splash property developer, and if so how do I recognise him? After being noticed at Parklife last week, Tom Bloxham has this week been seen playing in the long grass of the editor's house with his chums -some Lord of the Rings plastic models. Can you spot him here? Here's a clue. He seems to be in very good 'elf. 

Sleuth's beauty editor looks mad picture of the week

Click here.

Next week's news on Manchester Confidential

'BBC move to Salford is brilliant' say The Daily Mail

'Why Manchester food and drink made me buy a house in Openshaw' from AA Gill

'New Andy Warhol exhibition at the Lowry, 2pm -2.15pm' Will it become famous we ask? 

Special Finance report

How to make Manchester economically successful by George Papandreou