Sleuth 30/10/2009

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Rio’s future perfect.
Rio is quoted as saying: “This Italian restaurant serves unbelievable food – the chef is as hot as mustard! I love the flattened steak if I’m having a big main, or the penne pasta, which is so good it’s ridiculous. The vibe is nice and relaxed too, with a casual dress code, which I like. Plenty of footballers pop in for some quality food after matches and not just Manchester United players either!” Plenty of them pop in? How very time travel of them. Is Dr Who playing for United? Rio then finished off with: “I part-own the place, but have no hesitation recommending it." This is Sleuth's favourite sentence of the week. Chew it over folks. Anyway Sleuth has no hesitation recommending the Sleuth column each week.

Rio’s brand new top of the range future restaurant reviewing motor

Sympathy for the Red Devil
Then again given the nature of in-flight magazines maybe Adrian Clarke, the writer of the Rio piece, was just being a bit too bubbly and jolly and not doing his research. That’s the only way this passage can be accounted for: “Oxford Road in the city centre is buzzing with some of the best clothes shops around. I often stroll in and out of the quirky shops there, looking for one-off pieces by emerging young designers. I bought myself, my brother and my dad different jackets in one day recently, all made by aspiring new fashion labels. The prices aren’t bad either – feel free to haggle!” Oxford Road? Clothes shops? Eh? Come on Mr Clarke help Rio out wouldya he is notoriously forgetful, do your research. At least Sleuth concurs one accurate passage in the interview: Rio’s recommendation of Dougie’s, the Caribbean takeaway, on Moss Lane West.

Ghost terror
So the editor tells Sleuth about two people who have called about the Halloween ghost tours he’s leading this Saturday under the Great Northern Tunnels. They were worried their friends might get frightened. One of them said: “It’s my boyfriend, he jumps at anything, are there going to be surprises?” “If I told you yes, they wouldn’t be surprises would they?” said the editor. “Oh no,” said the lady, “that sounds like there will be and he really wants to go on the tour but he doesn’t want to be scared.” “Er...it is a ghost tour,” pointed out the editor. “I don’t know what to do now?” said the woman. “Get a new boyfriend?” was the obvious suggestion - and the reply.

Sleuth’s pic of the week
This is Sleuth and Gordo out food reviewing. Gordo is on the right, with the food coming out of his mouth.The camels appeared in Spinningfields this week in Hardman Square and took people on rides from, more-or-less, Pret-a-Manger to Greggs. Sleuth is sure he heard one camel say: “I don’t half fancy a vanilla slice.” The camels were part of an Easyjet Air promotion for flights to Marrakech if you’re wondering.

Naked women
Lynda Moyo, Confidential’s fashion and beauty editor, was strolling down Deansgate when an excitable chap stopped her and started talking about Silks, a new ‘gentleman’s club’ he’s opening soon in Manchester. Lynda has a strict moral code – nuns come for advice from her – so didn’t approve, but she took his card for journalistic purposes. Sleuth researched the place. Silks is already open in Leeds. Usual dreary, grubby, lap dancing bollocks. But Sleuth did smile about one service they will be offering in Manchester, a flag down street touring Hummer, for passers-by (men presumably) who, to quote, might want to “ flag the vehicle down and then jump in for a free lift to Silks.” That would be a hell of a passing whim thinks Sleuth. You’re walking down the street, you’ve maybe been shopping or visiting yet to open restaurants, you want to do something else. I know, you think, let’s flag down that Hummer and find a nude woman. C'mon it must happen all the time.

Top notch opening event
Lynda before making her excuses and shaking off the Silks guy mentioned in the story above, was asked her opinion on another matter. “Who should we get to be the star guest to open Silks,” said Mr Lap-Dancing pausing for effect, “Chantelle or Ricky Hatton?” Surely, thinks Sleuth, it has to be Chantelle for her sparkling wit and erudite opinions.

Institutional hat-ism
Lap-dancing venues are not Sleuth’s thing but he won’t be able to get into Silks even if he wanted to. Dresscode stipulates ‘no hats or headgear.’ Sleuth’s natty fedora won’t be welcome it seems.

Next week on Sleuth
Sleuth and Rio Ferdinand will be visiting the London Olympics 2012 and reporting back on the event. They’ll also reviewing the yet-to open catering facilities at MediaCity, Salford, before flying to the moon to open a new Gordon Ramsay venue entitled, ‘Prematurio’. Rio part-owns the place but has no hesitation in recommending it.