Flamingoes to replace Three Lions

England took a 3-0 unassailable lead against Australia in the five match one day cricket series on Sunday, after victory at Old Trafford.

Nobody noticed.

At the same time the England football team under the motto, ‘All for one, one four to Germany’ decided that playing abroad in competitions is a bother.

However to honour their African excursion, the Football Association (aka FAA, Fuck All Again), has told Confidential, exclusively, that they will be replacing the Three Lions badge with a Flamingo. “The lions are very aggressive,” a spokesman said, “a flamingo is harmless and has no teeth. It also has two legs but only ever uses one. Flamingoes are clearly more appropriate.”

John Terry insisted, “We can still win the World Cup. Just not this one. The problem for 2010 for us is the inexorable forward movement of Time, which can’t be reversed. This prevents us from imposing a different sequence of events which would lead to us beating the Germans and thus avoiding all the awkward criticism. It’s unfair really and everybody else’s fault.”

David Beckham has been voted England’s Player of the Tournament. “He wore those three piece suits beautifully,” said Stuart Pearce.

Fabio Capello is said to be satisfied that his 4-4-2 formation didn’t hinder the team. “I love the way I earn £442 every seventy minutes or so - more than £9000 per day. £442 is a very effective system.”

In other sections:

FIFA CLAIM BALL never went over the line. “I’m right with technology and you are all wrong, look at the picture here, it’s clear the referee was correct not to give the goal,” says Sepp Blatter, a well known international idiot.

Der Bild: 'FOR YOU MEINNE HERREN Gerrard, Lampard, Terry and James, der World Cup ist over. Forever.' Report from The Fatherland.

TWO MONTHS of whinging starts in press and broadcast media.

EX-PLAYERS say I told you so three hundred times each.

SIGN UP FOR ‘THE CAPELLO should be hanged’ campaign, says The Sun.

IT DOESN’T really matter, it’s only a game of football, insists God.