New verb: to balotelli

Hernando Fernando is angry. In the last few years he's always angry during FA Cup weekends.

The pundit was Sam Allardyce. How could they? If the FA Cup is in decline blame this man. He was a pioneer of playing a weakened FA Cup team when he was manager of mid-table Bolton.

He sees them as a missed opportunity: a disappointment in terms of romance.

The FA Cup reminds him particularly of a girl called Gabriela from Guadalajara.This was a girl who when he was nineteen he fantasised about having a thing with. Months later he achieved the thing he was fantasising about (and it took a lot of effort)...and it was nowhere near as good as the thing it should have been.

Gabriela from Guadalajara had put out a weakened side. Hernando had imagined full fireworks, superstars in front of his eyes, instead all he got was a half-hearted performance and a nasty little rash.

Looking back all those years Gabriela from Guadalajara looked a little like Gabriel Obertan. Only with more hair.

United’s half-hearted, lack-lustre toiling for 1-0 against Crawley was just like that afternoon with La Senorita from Guadalajara on the banks of the Rio Ferdinanda. Only Hernando hadn’t had to pay £41 for the privilege of being part of the occasion.

Asked if his young players had learnt anything, Ferguson said his players had learnt about his anger. This followed a telling off in the changing room after the siesta-like second half. Perhaps Ferguson should have learnt about the fans’ anger after playing a team half filled with perennial failures. One of whom looked like Gabriela from Guadalajara with hair.

And the club should have learnt about the fans’ anger after posting a sold out notice on the United website and yet plainly only having about 65,000 in the stadium.

Yes the official capacity was 74K or so but that was because many regular United supporters had been forced to buy tickets for a match they couldn’t make so they could procure tickets for later matches they could make. Blackmail. United should have lowered the prices and let lots of locals in.

City meanwhile, who did lower the prices (United be ashamed), also gave an equally Gabriela-from-Guadalajara performance yet somehow managed a 5-0 victory against Notts County.

This is where Hernando has to get angry again.

And then maybe a bit happier.

Balotelli.

Good Lord, that man wears the demeanour of man who has been told he’s got two weeks to make all humanity happy but doesn’t know where to begin. Or maybe he just wears the demeanour of a miserable git.

The man has a vile attitude and must be shocking to play with. His booking came from sheer spite. His name should become a new noun for getting a nark on. People might say for instance, “The bus driver was a right balotelli.” - a common enough situation. Or it could be used as a verb of rage, “I balotellied him, lost it completely.”

Then a miracle happened.

Balotelli received a blow to the head. A hard one. But when he got up, he went over to see if the Notts County defender he’d collided with was harmed, he even muttered some consoling words – it seemed.

The pleasantness sadly lasted about five minutes. Then he was substituted and he balotellied all the way down the player’s tunnel, after giving his manager Mancini, a right balotelling en route.

The was one strange moment that cheered Hernando this weekend. That was staring at the Chelsea manager, Ancelotti, in disbelief. He’d never seen a neck disappear so quickly. As his team’s season evaporated further with penalty defeat to Everton, Ancelotti's head became so sunken into his body you could only see his eyebrows above his collar.

ITV’s highlights on Saturday night did nothing to improve your correspondent's mood. The pundit was Sam Allardyce. How could they? If the FA Cup is in decline blame this man. He was a pioneer of playing a weakened FA Cup team when he was manager of mid-table Bolton.

He was the one who decided to deny middling Premier teams the only opportunity they ever have of winning silverware - through the domestic cups. Who wants their fans cheering their team on an open-top bus holding up a trophy eh Sam? They'd enjoy that too much wouldn't they?

Apologies for all this dear readers Hernando is suffering a case of what the doctors call an extreme balotelli.

PS Hernando is now feeling a little guilty about Leyton Orient who showed in their 1-1 with Arsenal proper FA Cup feeling. Here's a rule change idea: if a Premiership team is drawn against a lower league team, the latter team always hosts the game. Gabriela de Guadalajara. She did after all allow him to enjoy her lovely fresh tortillas. If only once.

PPS Hernando is also feeling a little guilty about Gabriela de Guadalajara. She did after all allow him to enjoy her lovely fresh tortillas. If only once.

Hernando Fernando, despite his long years in Manchester, has never fully mastered the language. He left Mexico as a teenager seeking fame and fortune. He’s currently living in extreme poverty in Stretford. He might be illiterate but Good God he’s cheap.

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