United and the German doorman

For much of Tuesday evening Manchester United had a big man standing in front of them.

He was barring the team’s way into a special club called the Champions League Final.

Eventually just as para-neuer started to set in, Neuer let goals in. First Hernandez showed the way with a disallowed goal. Then Rooney set up Giggs with an exquisite pass, then Valencia and Hernandez set up Rooney. There could have been more.

The man had huge hands.

He was a huge Hans. Or rather a massive Manuel Neuer.

United would nervously send Hernandez, Rooney, Giggs, Park forward and ask to be allowed in the club but the massive German would stop them.

“Nein, you cannot commen into zer club, you have zer wrong shortz on and I don’t like zer cut of your gibz. I vill keep ze platz in zer Final for mein poor little Schalke.”

This went on for ages.

Even when United showed the panache and dash of Barcelona at their best, weaving complex patterns of brilliant coruscating football in front of the leaden opposition, Neuer wouldn’t let them past.

Carrick and Rooney were revelations of English dazzle. They picked passes like boys raiding apples in an orchard owned by a farmer they once thought frightening but has now lost his shotgun.

United, as they did against Everton, played beautifully, pure football, quick, accurate, confident.

Eventually just as para-neuer started to set in, Neuer let goals in.

First Hernandez showed the way with a disallowed goal. Then Rooney set up Giggs with an exquisite pass, then Valencia and Hernandez set up Rooney. There could have been more.

Giggs became the oldest player to score in the Champions League at 79 years and 45 days.

Sir Alex Ferguson said of his veteran: “It’s amazing because he’s been at his peak now for so long.” Hernando Fernando knows what Sir Alex means, it’s been the same for Hernando, always peaking.

The United manager went on to remark of Giggs: “He shows no sign of waning.”

Or was that “Wayne-ing”?

Interesting thought for anybody that, doing a Wayne Rooney. Injury leads to loss of form, he allegedly meets ‘ladies’ in Rosso, allegedly has threesomes in Manchester hotels, followed by unreasonable transfer requests and eventual salvation through the adoption of what Steve McClaren called last night “the classic number ten role”.

No, not our Ryan.

Back to the game. Rooney’s playmaking in the gap between midfield and the magical sprite that is Hernandez, has transformed United. That, and the re-emergence of Valencia and Carrick as quality players. With a good defence, and that blistering attack, maybe a double of European Cup and Premier League is not too fanciful.

As long as the team can get past Neuer in the second leg of the semi at Old Trafford and make a May date at Wembley.

Hernando Fernando, despite his long years in Manchester, has never fully mastered the language. He left Mexico as a teenager seeking fame and fortune. He’s currently living in extreme poverty in Stretford. He might be illiterate but Good God he’s cheap.