Wembley slumbers

Tuesday night’s Euro qualifier against Balkan ‘dark horses’ Montenegro, and the England team once again lined up secure in the knowledge that if they so much as put their bins out on the wrong day the press will be on hand to stream mobile phone footage of the incident on the internet.

Wazza was quiet in making his playing return, as England laboured to a dreary 0-0 draw only to be nearly shocked out of their complacency by an 82nd minute crossbar rattling courtesy of Milan Jovanovic’s 20 yard drive.

Blonde goal fortress Joe Hart was the latest St Sebastian to feel the Fleet Street ‘arrers’, having been filmed at a stag do at 5am singing ‘Valerie’ on a bar counter accompanied by three sweet inspirations of the Brits-on-holiday variety - a mere thirty six hours before he was due to salute Fabio Capello outside the England team mess hall.

City fans who opted to consume the Sunday press were exposed to the sight of their goalkeeper patrolling the work surface of the Marbella slammer spot with the same poise he exhibited when colliding with Kolo Toure to present Blackburn Rovers' Nikola Kalinic an open goal in the recent Premiership fixture.

At least he’s happy. Plucky Carlos Tevez was reportedly singing sorrowful at the plight of the Premiership wage slave, having clearly had his magnificent Argentine pride insufficiently buffed on purpose by manager Roberto Mancini. “I’ve been playing many games this season and I am tired. I’m an old guy now” said the twenty six year old. “When I talk about quitting I mean quitting football, not just the national team” Meanwhile in those favoured city centre salons and bars the whispers persist.

Englands matchplan

Wazza was quiet in making his playing return, as England laboured to a dreary 0-0 draw only to be nearly shocked out of their complacency by an 82nd minute crossbar rattling courtesy of Milan Jovanovic’s 20 yard drive.

On ITV1, Adrian Chiles and co. had billed it as a new dawn with a fresh look team. “Only five players start who played in South Africa.”

Considering that two of the ‘new faces’ were Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand, and the others included Ashley Young, the contention was a bit stale – as was the football, as the all-new England proceeded to play like overworked mid-tablers in a meaningless end-of-season fixture.

At the end Fabio Capello declared himself at a loss to explain why his men had failed to convince.

“We were playing a team very difficult to beat. I don't know why this happened. I think we are a good team and this is still only one game."

England are three points off the top in Group G and now need to beat Montenegro away and sharpen up over the rest of their games to avoid the play-offs.

Meanwhile City travel to ninth-placed Blackpool on Sunday looking to keep up the pressure on league leaders Chelsea. United take on West Brom the day before, poised just a point behind their sky blue rivals.

Neither side might be said to be firing on all cylinders right now, and as debt-loaded clubs themselves they may have more than an eye on events in Liverpool this week. United in particular will be thanking their lucky stars that the wheels have not, as yet, come off as they have so dramatically on Merseyside.