Wubbish Wooney Wins

There are two incredibly difficult skills in football.

One involves getting Sir Alex Ferguson to talk to the BBC.

The other is to catch a ball with a scissors kick perfectly so that it doesn’t knock people out in neighbouring streets but keeps low enough to fizz into the net.

Shame that Nani never played alongside Bebe, with Papa (aka Buoba Dioup from Senegal), Cousins (ex-Wycombe Wanderers...er...star), Mumi (from Algeria), U’ncle (for Cameroon) and Grandpops (Canada). Then we’d have had a whole family of names playing football.

Rooney managed this most difficult of skills with ease while winning the Manchester derby.

The surprise of this was that he’d not been able to manage any of the more simple football skills, such as passing to a fellow team player standing three metres away while under no pressure. He even found it difficult to perform the even easier skills of running and standing up.

As his post-match interview showed, that other relatively simple skill of speaking coherently still eludes him but he’s never been very good with all that sort of thinking thing. Not that that matters, footballer players are lucky, they really don’t have to care about eloquence.

So the leap of Rooney to score for 2-1 was all the poetry he’ll ever need in life. Although one day he may have to show some verbal dexterity as he shares a couch with Alan Hansen on Match of the Day in that post-game footballer half-life of pundit (Hansen will still be there because he’s clearly an immortal who has been given couch-diety status for eternity). Or maybe he won’t have to speak much and, instead, opt for the Alan Shearer approach of spreading his legs and thrusting out his crotch. And maybe he should change his first name to Alan to get on there in the first place.

Back to the match. This was a decent derby, with cut and thrust, some elegant play and both teams having periods of dominance. It might have been easier for City if Silva, the best player on the pitch for both teams, had finished off a lovely tippy-tap move in the first few minutes.

It was only an exquisite pass from Giggs and a glorious first touch and finish from Nani that tipped the scales in United’s favour at half-time .

After the break the game sprung to life again when sub Dzeko cunningly miss-hit the ball at Silva’s tiny chest to discombobulate pensioner Edwin Van Der Sar.

In the end United only really deserved to win because they scored one more goal. In other words it was an even contest. If City keep buying more players - if there are any left - then they will eclipse United next year.

Again Giggs and Scholes were notable assets for United. It would be good for them if United can overtake Liverpool as the leading top division champions this year - with nineteen titles. After all the veterans are the only two players to have played in every season since the league began in 1888.

But the best United player was Nani, his first half performance was very special. He faded in the second but still supplied the cross for Rooney to score. Nani’s excellence is becoming commonplace. This is strange since for most of his time at United he’s generally run round in circles until he dizzily lets someone take the ball off him.

Shame that Nani never played alongside Bebe, with Papa (aka Buoba Dioup from Senegal), Cousins (ex-Wycombe Wanderers...er...star), Mumi (from Algeria), U’ncle (for Cameroon) and Grandpops (Canada). Then we’d have had a whole family of names playing football. That would have been nice. Or would have been if I hadn’t made up three of the names to suit my twisted purpose.

Hernando Fernando, despite his long years in Manchester, has never fully mastered the language. He left Mexico as a teenager seeking fame and fortune. He’s currently living in extreme poverty in Stretford. He might be illiterate but Good God he’s cheap.

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